glitter cake.


     P turned 29 last week (a year closer to BIRTH-POCALYPSE, 30, or the age where you panic about whether you should have already won the Pulitzer Prize or be making 7 million dollars a year off of that store that you always tell yourself you should open, PEOPLE MUCH YOUNGER THAN YOU HAVE DONE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS). 

     Obvi, I used this opportunity to bake him the GLITTERIEST DISCO BALL BIRTHDAY CAKE THAT EVER WAS.

     I searched for directions, I found copious pictures of beautiful glitter cakes and no how-to’s, I kept screaming HOW THE F*CK DID YOU THAT at my computer. So here are some instructions. Though it turns out the reason there are none posted anywhere is because it’s really easy. You’re welcome.


-1 cake, baked and frosted.

-Sugar crystal sprinkles in gold. These are available at your average grocery store and will look like this.

-Gold concentrate dust/food dye and non toxic cake glitter, in gold and bronze. These will look like this and are available in speciality baking shops or the magical internet.

-Pastry brush (optional)

     If you live in Johannesburg then go to Kadie’s, amazing, the only downside is you have to trek to Fourways. Sorry.

     First, obviously you must obtain or bake a cake and frost with the frosting color of your choice. I used Smitten Kitchen’s recipes for the Best Birthday Cake and her Instant Fudge Frosting recipe mostly because CORN SYRUP IS NOT A REAL THING THAT’S AVAILABLE ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF THE CORN SUBSIDY LOVING COUNTRY OF AMERICA. I also thought brown and gold would go well together so I chose chocolate (I WAS RIGHT, IT LOOKED SMASHING.) If you are a real person who works all the time or has children or a life then just a box of cake mix and box of frosting will do, but the dream of the 1890’s is alive in Portland, so GET IT TOGETHER YOU LAZY JERK.

     Then, after the cake has been assembled/purchased start with a base coat of the sugar crystal sprinkles. This gives it a nice gold background so the really glittery part won’t be wasted. You will probably use the majority of the bottle, but that’s ok because sugar crystals are cheap.

     Then, using your forefinger and thumb sprinkle the REAL glitter on top of the sugar crystals until you’re satisfied. Even if you want to go nuts you’ll barely make a dent in your small tubs of glitter. Excellent news, you’ll have enough glitter to last you for years. To get sprinkles on the sides of the cake use your pastry brush to dip in to the glitter tub and dab on the sides of the cake (this won’t work for fondant).

Add some gold candles and you have disco ball on a cake. Friends on facebook: IMPRESSED BY YOUR CAKE-STAGRAM. Friends at your house: SCARED THEIR POOP WILL BE GLITTERY. They might be so scared they dance themselves into a frenzy until 4 in the morning and then collapse in piles around your house, leaving trails of destruction and glitter that your maid will just love to clean up for you. Use your glitter cake WITH CAUTION.



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